Amal Al-Sibai

Saudi Gazette

 

STUDIES show that adolescents hear an average of 410 negative messages each day from parents, teachers, and peers, such as ‘no’ or ‘don’t’ or outright criticism.



“Yusuf, stop fighting with your brother!”

“Yusuf, tuck in your shirt!”

“Yusuf, your room is a mess, how many times have I told you to clean it up?”

“Yusuf, you got 8 out of 10 on your test, you could have gotten 10.”

“Yusuf, you are so clumsy! Can’t you do anything right?”



Sadly, adolescents receive praise and positive comments only 3 times a day. Can you imagine what this disparaging onslaught of negative remarks will have on this boy’s image of himself, his motivation to want to do good things, his ability to handle responsibilities, or his relationship with his parents?



Surely, children need guidance, instruction, advice, reminders about good conduct, and they need to see exemplary role models in their lives. What they do not need is to be ambushed every time they make a mistake.



“In many families, criticism and punishment lead the children to anger, more defiance, secretiveness, and social withdrawal,” said Dr. Kenneth Barish, Professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College and Cornell University.



The best teacher and mentor, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used wisdom, love, patience and tolerance (not criticism and crushing remarks) to inspire the youth to become amazing leaders. He set forth a generation of responsible, hard working, young men and women who had a higher purpose in life and who became exceptional achievers.



One may argue that the young men during the Prophet’s lifetime were inherently good and were far more mature than our modern day 16-year-old kid; with unkempt hair, dressed in jeans, busily typing away on his mobile phone.



The young men in the early days of Islam were not perfect and obedient at all times. They made mistakes around the Prophet (peace be upon him), and his patient and good-natured way of dealing with their mistakes led these young men to greatness.



Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) transformed the mistakes into opportunities for learning and personal growth, and he showed mercy and patience.



Once, when Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was leading the prayers in the mosque and everyone was concentrating, a worshiper sneezed. A young man said to him aloud while still in prayer, “May Allah have mercy on you.”



The companions knew that it is incorrect to speak during prayer so the man who sneezed did not respond. However, the young man persisted and repeated his words again and again, louder and louder, expecting a reply to his kind words.



When this young man, Muawiyah ibn Al-Hakam Al-Sulami, received no such kind words in return, he became angry and cursed the man who sneezed and cursed the worshipers in the mosque, while still standing in prayer.



After the prayer concluded, the Prophet (peace be upon him) calmly asked, “Who was speaking?”



When Muawiyah was brought to him, the Prophet (peace be upon him) did not chastise or lash out or insult this young man; he simply said to him, “Verily prayer is not correct with the words of the people, what is to be said is only the glorification of Allah, Takbir (saying Allah is Great), and the recitation of the Qur’an.” (Sahih Muslim).



This story was told by Muawiyah himself later in his life; when he was 80 years old. The memory of the Prophet’s mercy and tolerance remained imprinted in his mind for decades.



Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) built and empowered the youth; he did not destroy them with harsh words.



Showing love and affection to children does not spoil them or make them irresponsible. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) openly showered his love upon his grandsons, but he also taught them well, as did their parents. As young boys, they were brought to the mosque to listen to the sermons, to learn, and to absorb.



The Prophet (peace be upon him) hugged his grandson, Al-Hasan, and said, “O Allah, I love him; love him and love one who loves him.” (Sahih Muslim).



 Although he was 8 years old when his grandfather died, historians noted that none resembled the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) in looks and manners as Al-Hasan did as a young man.



In his teenage years, Al-Hasan was known for being solemn and deep in thought and when asked why he was so serious, he replied, “I see that in order to start a fire, the young and tender pieces of wood are used first; so I fear that the Hellfire will be kindled on young people.”



His thinking was way ahead of his years, and he continuously strived to perfect his worship and conduct.



The Prophet (peace be upon him) never belittled a person because of age; he empowered the youth and enabled them to shoulder huge responsibilities.

Thinking highly of the youth lifts the bar for their capabilities and accomplishments; people tend to live up to what is expected of them.  



Whenever the Prophet (peace be upon him) sent a group of men on a scouting or trade or military expedition, he always appointed a leader for the group. When selecting a leader, he would talk to the men and ask how much of the Holy Qur’an they had learned. On one occasion, the youngest man in a large group had said that he had memorized by heart several chapters of the Holy Qur’an. This young man was chosen as the leader because his knowledge of the Holy Qur’an surpassed the knowledge of the other men who exceeded him in age.



Knowledge and character are more important criteria for leadership than chronological age.



When the Prophet (peace be upon him) wanted a young man, Abdullah ibn Umar, to adopt a certain behavior, which was praying the voluntary late night prayer, he did not list the boy’s shortcomings or condemn him.



Instead he (peace be upon him) used encouragement and positive reinforcement by saying, “What a blessed man is Abdullah. Should he perform the prayer at night he would be blessed even more.”



Before he (peace be upon him) gave instructions, he praised the young man. From that day, Abdullah ibn Umar never abandoned the late night prayer for the rest of his life.



When it comes to preparing our children for leadership roles, constant and hurtful criticism can be counter-productive.



Of course as parents, we should advise and guide our children. When a teenager makes a mistake, a heartfelt talk with sound advice is far more effective than yelling and criticizing in a fit of rage. Most often, teens just tune out and stop listening to our ranting and raving. They listen much more attentively when we speak out of concern and love, rather than anger and disapproval.