Tariq A. Al-Maeena

They come to this country bright-eyed and full of hope and outlook. Many are barely out of their teens. They are the young brides of Saudis, who went abroad to study and fall in love. 



Although there have been some success stories, the stark cultural differences take a toll on many, causing great rift and disharmony in marriages thought to be unbreakable. The tragedy compounds itself when there are children involved, as so often they are caught in the middle of antagonistic relationships.  Such are the poignant stories of unions crushed under the weight of harsh social conditions and expectations.



The following is a story of one such bride, MR, who operates a blog "Under the abaya." She is, in her own words, an American girl learning to survive while living in Saudi Arabia. In a blog titled "The next chapter — am I ready?", she relates:



“I’ve been doing well at keeping my promise to my mom and myself and have been feeling better than ever. I miss my family, but I don’t feel sad about being away. I have not been stressing out or worrying about things out of my control. I’ve been focusing on gratitude and a positive attitude. I’ve been keeping very busy with my friends and have been having a great time all around. But two days ago some potentially good news turned into some potentially scary news and all of that went out the window for a bit.

“The Mr. had mentioned to me that a friend of his told him about an available apartment in a good neighborhood. His friend lives in the building and it’s owned by his family, so there wouldn’t be any question about its safety or the quality of neighbors. I was excited because although I love the house I’m in right now, it is really not affordable. It’s way too big, and being that I have zero help around the house, cleaning has become my full time job. A smaller place would be more comfortable and more affordable.



“My excitement was over when I found out that the apartment has only two bedrooms, and since The Mr. and I haven’t shared a bedroom in nearly two years, I have no plans of doing it now. I asked what his plans were as far as sleeping arrangements, and that’s when he let the bomb drop. The place would be mine, he wouldn’t live there. He would live at his mother’s — with our daughter. She could come to me in the afternoons after school and go home with him at night. 

“I immediately refused, asking him to look elsewhere for something that’s close enough to his mother’s so that our daughter could stay with me, or something with three bedrooms. He insisted the place is perfect, it’s affordable, and since his friend would be in the building, it was the safest option.



“The conversation ended there as he went to bed and I sat on the couch sobbing for the next several hours. I know it sounds a little crazy. This is what I’ve wanted for a while now — to be separate from him, having my own space and my own life. This would be the first step to moving on. But I couldn’t and still can’t get past the idea that my involvement in my daughter’s life would be restricted and would be entirely up to him.



“I worry who she would cuddle with in the mornings when she wakes up. Who will she come to when she’s had a bad dream or can’t sleep?  Who will brush her hair in the mornings, pack her lunch for school, or make her breakfast? So many things.

“I guess these are all things I’d have to face with divorce no matter where we are, but just not to this extent. And at least back home I’d have her some nights. I’m the one who does all of the actual parenting, so what happens when I’m not there?  How will it affect her?



“I’m beyond ready for a life away from The Mr., but I don’t know if I’m ready to be away from my daughter, even if it’s just a 20-minute drive away.



“I don’t know if this apartment thing will actually happen or not; at least not with this particular apartment. But I do know that our cohabitation is temporary and that eventually I’ll have to learn to accept that my role in my daughter’s daily life will be different, and that it will be completely up to The Mr. since we’re in Saudi Arabia.



“Anyhow, I had my cry two days ago and released it all. I cannot sit around worrying about something that I can’t control, so I’m back again to gratitude and a positive frame of mind. Everything will work out as it’s supposed to, so I’m concentrating on finding work, on making each day great, and on keeping busy with my friends.”



While many such brides have withered in the face of such upheaval, MR is to be commended for being brave enough to confront her worries and stand up to the uncertainties facing her. 

   

There are many young Saudis abroad today, and undoubtedly some may fall in love and get married. While patience, understanding, compromise, and a lot of loving will help to an extent, there is no straightforward formula to avoid the multitude of stressors that will attack the bond of the young couple upon their return.  There is just no simple answer. For some, the chapter will come to an end.



 

The author can be reached at talmaeena@aol.com. Follow him on Twitter @talmaeena.